I went onto my best friend's blog and looked up what they had tagged to my name and this is what I found.

It was exactly what I needed. Thank you, Padfoot, thank you.


xoxo Camelgirl

there will be no positives tonight

Everything feels wrong. I had to stare at the 'iv' in 'positives' for such a long time because it looked so unfamiliar. I just want to have something to be excited for, something to work towards. Everything seems either impossible or undesirable. I don't want to sit my exams, I know I'm not ready. I know they shouldn't be awful (other than chemistry) and that there will be people who do worse than me but I just really wish they could have been an achievement; something I was proud of. I don't even really want for exams to be over, because what comes afterwards is so daunting. I don't want to go to a university that I don't know and study something that I have no idea if I'll like, I don't want to leave all my friends and routine behind and live in a foreign country with only my parents and my negative attitude to keep me company, I don't want to stay in a big house with my brother and sister and random room-mates and work some horrible job. I don't want to be younger than everyone but I don't want to be an adult. I don't want responsibility, I don't want endless freedom. Worst of all, I don't know what I want.

xoxo Camelgirl

Things to look forward to after exams:

*never having to worry about vce again
*formal
*schoolies (...debatable...)
*the beach
*staying up as late as I want
*tumblr
*all the tv shows I will be able to watch
*all the books I will be able to read
*top 500 movies ever with Jokerman
*sims with Dandy
*Christmas
*Europe
*freedom

Not long now... wish me luck!

xoxo Camelgirl

This is all wrong

It's officially a month until my first written examination. I'm so close to something that will determine my future and knowing that, it's really scary. I'm behind in my subjects so I can't even start on my revision and right now everything seems impossible.
I don't understand Markov Chains or equilibrium shifts, I haven't done the exercises for vector calculus or kinematics, I have no hope of being able to talk about immigration in my Italian oral and my English Language teacher likes my writing style but that doesn't mean my examiner will.

Yesterday I found out that a boy that I guess I sort of dated died in a motorcycle accident. I didn't know how to feel about it, at first I felt nothing but shocked but last night the tears started to spill. I don't really feel right talking about it on here but the thoughts that I had felt wrong, I am ashamed of myself.

I am constantly wishing that I could go back moments, hours, days, years before. I seem to only ever make the wrong choices and I get annoyed at myself for it but I don't fix it. I don't learn from my mistakes. I just really wish that I could have worked hard enough to be proud of my results this year, but now I've left it too late. Hopefully, I at least do the best of what I can with what I've left for myself.

xoxo Camelgirl

No one can save this.

My mind is murky, I can not separate one thought from another.

I found some motivation but it left me after a week of encouragement. I'm stuck in vicious cycles and I can't tell what I want from what I tell myself I want. At Rake's house last weekend, there was a fleeting moment on the dance floor when I felt such adoration for my friends and myself but then Ti abandoned me and the feeling followed. On Saturday, I went to Jokerman's formal with him. It was a nice night and it made me think about my formal which is yet to come. My formal is the day after my last exam and I just really hope that by then I will be proud of myself and not full of self-contempt over missed opportunities.

At school, I am surrounded by couples and instead of identifying myself as one of them, I feel excluded. J and I swing between good, bad and okay periods (the 'okay' periods are the worst because I either feel nothing or want more). I saw Who playing cricket and wanted to cry because it really reinforced the fact that I no longer know him. 

The tsunami is coming and there is nothing worth holding on to.

xoxo Camelgirl

Things that make up my daily happiness:

*the smell of pink grapefruit in the shower

*random cute texts from Erimentha
*good hair days

*dreaming about future Europe adventures

*the care I see our tutor group teacher actually has for us

*planning a costume for Moony's party

(to go as Princess Peach or a flapper girl?)

*finding things to pin on my corkboard

*mix tapes and letters from Padfoot

*watching my mother find such joy in small things like dance and French classes

*in just over three months there will be no more school stress

xoxo Camelgirl

Everything is too fucking shit to comprehend and I just can't wait until year twelve is over except that will mean it is time to leave all my friends and so yes, I can wait. I'm drowning in an ocean of worries and if I ever get out it'll only be to meet the scorching sun and it's own rays of despair.

If I can't make myself happy, what chance do I have of making you any happier?
I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry I love you.

xoxo Camelgirl

I'm so afraid

Because what happens if I do try and then I fail? At least this way if I fail, it won't be because I'm not good enough.

xoxo Camelgirl