there will be no positives tonight

Everything feels wrong. I had to stare at the 'iv' in 'positives' for such a long time because it looked so unfamiliar. I just want to have something to be excited for, something to work towards. Everything seems either impossible or undesirable. I don't want to sit my exams, I know I'm not ready. I know they shouldn't be awful (other than chemistry) and that there will be people who do worse than me but I just really wish they could have been an achievement; something I was proud of. I don't even really want for exams to be over, because what comes afterwards is so daunting. I don't want to go to a university that I don't know and study something that I have no idea if I'll like, I don't want to leave all my friends and routine behind and live in a foreign country with only my parents and my negative attitude to keep me company, I don't want to stay in a big house with my brother and sister and random room-mates and work some horrible job. I don't want to be younger than everyone but I don't want to be an adult. I don't want responsibility, I don't want endless freedom. Worst of all, I don't know what I want.

xoxo Camelgirl