My mind is murky, I can not separate one thought from another.
I found some motivation but it left me after a week of encouragement. I'm stuck in vicious cycles and I can't tell what I want from what I tell myself I want. At Rake's house last weekend, there was a fleeting moment on the dance floor when I felt such adoration for my friends and myself but then Ti abandoned me and the feeling followed. On Saturday, I went to Jokerman's formal with him. It was a nice night and it made me think about my formal which is yet to come. My formal is the day after my last exam and I just really hope that by then I will be proud of myself and not full of self-contempt over missed opportunities.
At school, I am surrounded by couples and instead of identifying myself as one of them, I feel excluded. J and I swing between good, bad and okay periods (the 'okay' periods are the worst because I either feel nothing or want more). I saw Who playing cricket and wanted to cry because it really reinforced the fact that I no longer know him.
The tsunami is coming and there is nothing worth holding on to.
xoxo Camelgirl
I wondered what you were thinking about so much :D. Glad you enjoyed formal though.
ReplyDeleteHope you find something worth holding onto.
Jokerman.
I'm not sure what to say Camelgirl.
ReplyDeleteBad times always seem to come in waves so hopefully you can ride this one out and things will get better soon.
It's a strange feeling to be disconnected from those you love because of how you feel. I understand the awfulness of it.
I'm here for you whenever you need :) x