Saturday, September 11, 2010

You could be happy, I hope you are. (WARNING: Emotional Word Vomit)

You asked me what he hates the most about himself
but it just made me think about myself (because I'm selfish like that.)

I hate how horrible I've become. Or maybe I didn't become this horrible, maybe I was always this horrible.

But  being   a   monster   is   one   thing,   not   being   able  to   slay   that   monster   is   another.


But I can't I can't I can't I cannot seem to find the power within me to do anything about anything. So I'm stuck in this boat, just floating wherever this imaginary driver, or the current take me, and I don't even know how to use the steering wheel. And it hurts that I can't look in the mirror anymore, or look through my pictures, or just think about who I am anymore, without wanting to rip my 'self'' apart and mould it until it's something beautiful again. And hope that one day we'll all be happy and better people again and not 'broken' any longer, is the only thing getting me through it, which doesn't make sense, because it shouldn't just be a hopeful thought or a useless plan getting me through this, shouldn't it be an action?


And I can't even talk anymore, I don't even have anything to talk about anymore, because everything just reminds me of well... everything that was. And seeing you makes me want to hide, or maybe just be something else, but neither of those are good ideas so I just bite my lip and talk to them. And I can't tell whether we're going to stay and whether you want us to, or whether I want us to. And I'm happy sometimes, but then I realise that I have so little now compared to then, and my monster growls, and I become greedy and start wanting things again and think that I'm above them oh why do i think that I'm a fool.

(And why can't I cry anymore?)
(Your rages are chipping away at me.)

 
So I'm just stuck in this routine of chaos and uncontrollable comments, and I'm sorry I call you disgusting or I tell you I hate you, that's just my heart talking to my brain, or the other way around, I can't tell anything anymore.

And for once maybe it's me that needs someone.

And I get upset and then I get mad at myself for being upset and then it's just a constant cycle of anger and sadness and I can't do anything because every part of me is fighting with the rest but nothing's winning.


 And I think I'm getting better, and I tell myself so, and I say if she gets better I'll get better. But maybe that's the wrong way around, perhaps you already did get better and I'm the one keeping you down.

Maybe I'm the limitation.

I'm sorry.


There's a monster inside of me that deserves needs to be slain.

xoxo Camelgirl

10 comments:

  1. Really really great post. (:

    "So I'm stuck in this boat, just floating wherever this imaginary driver, or the current take me, and I don't even know how to use the steering wheel."

    I wish I could take ahold of my steering wheel..but the current is just too strong.

    xx,
    ~Abby~

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  2. Such a beautiful post.
    One day we're all going to be happy beautiful people. If we aren't already :)

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  3. I hate feeling broken, the feeling like you will never be you again. The thoughts of everything from here on out will be sub-par or below average..The fear. Let's see how well the glue holds.

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  4. People used to ask whether I was broken or not.
    I'm not sure how I was ever meant to answer.

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  5. Dearest.
    You are so, so, so beautiful.
    Please don't forget - please just believe me.
    If you ever ever ever need to talk to anyone, my e-mail is lets.flyawaynow@live.com.au
    Lots of love and love and kind thoughts, Athena. xxx

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  6. i've read this a thousand times over trying to find the right thing to say because i want it to be perfect. So here it is, you dont deserve these awful feelings and if theres a monster inside you then maybe its not a monster at all, maybe its a feeling that would rather be killed then adressed. Im sorry if this fell short, but i really love you and hope you are okay.
    xo

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  7. :(

    monsters are total dicks but they eventually go away, i hope this one does soon because you're way too great and i love you and hope things get better!

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  8. wow, this was so emotion filled!!! i can relate in so many ways which is why i love your blog so much. i'm the opposite, i seem to cry way more lately. maybe you just need a good chick flick to help you get it all out?

    thinking of you beautiful camelgirl,
    xoxoxo
    eri

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  9. Sorry for spamming you, you know it's not my policy, but I just want to tell all participants of the "A piece of me" game that I've moved my blog to welovetoothfairy.com!

    btw... if you want to follow me, you'll need to sign up again, as I've noticed people were having trouble following me, so I've deleted the old google connect!

    xoxo
    Shirley

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  10. I feel the exact same way. I feel useless and powerless and I feel like I'm lying here with no way to stand up. I guess maybe we shouldn't think all the way to standing up. Maybe we should only think about putting our hands on the ground and trying.

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Many thanks for your feedback. :)