but it just made me think about myself (because I'm selfish like that.)
I hate how horrible I've become. Or maybe I didn't become this horrible, maybe I was always this horrible.
But being a monster is one thing, not being able to slay that monster is another.
But I can't I can't I can't I cannot seem to find the power within me to do anything about anything. So I'm stuck in this boat, just floating wherever this imaginary driver, or the current take me, and I don't even know how to use the steering wheel. And it hurts that I can't look in the mirror anymore, or look through my pictures, or just think about who I am anymore, without wanting to rip my 'self'' apart and mould it until it's something beautiful again. And hope that one day we'll all be happy and better people again and not 'broken' any longer, is the only thing getting me through it, which doesn't make sense, because it shouldn't just be a hopeful thought or a useless plan getting me through this, shouldn't it be an action?
(And why can't I cry anymore?)
(Your rages are chipping away at me.)
So I'm just stuck in this routine of chaos and uncontrollable comments, and I'm sorry I call you disgusting or I tell you I hate you, that's just my heart talking to my brain, or the other way around, I can't tell anything anymore.
And I think I'm getting better, and I tell myself so, and I say if she gets better I'll get better. But maybe that's the wrong way around, perhaps you already did get better and I'm the one keeping you down.
Maybe I'm the limitation.
There's a monster inside of me that
deserves needs to be slain.