Sunday, November 4, 2012

there will be no positives tonight

Everything feels wrong. I had to stare at the 'iv' in 'positives' for such a long time because it looked so unfamiliar. I just want to have something to be excited for, something to work towards. Everything seems either impossible or undesirable. I don't want to sit my exams, I know I'm not ready. I know they shouldn't be awful (other than chemistry) and that there will be people who do worse than me but I just really wish they could have been an achievement; something I was proud of. I don't even really want for exams to be over, because what comes afterwards is so daunting. I don't want to go to a university that I don't know and study something that I have no idea if I'll like, I don't want to leave all my friends and routine behind and live in a foreign country with only my parents and my negative attitude to keep me company, I don't want to stay in a big house with my brother and sister and random room-mates and work some horrible job. I don't want to be younger than everyone but I don't want to be an adult. I don't want responsibility, I don't want endless freedom. Worst of all, I don't know what I want.

xoxo Camelgirl

1 comment:

  1. I didn't achieve anything, and I know not many people will remember me, but I'll write to you every day. Send you photos and love you always. We fucking did it, like fuck it's enough it didn't kill us. Nothing is finite, you have endless of paths to choose and I'll always be around to walk down them with you. Even if I'm far away. No one knows what they want, that's half the fun when you discover something new and unexpected. I didn't know what I wanted but when I looked at you I saw the endless possibilities of how I would make you love me and we'd get through life together, even if you're not around you're always in my heart. Im sorry this is so long and doesnt even make sense. I love you.


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